Staying in the Debate

In my eating disorder group last Tuesday, one of my therapists asked me what purpose "staying in the debate" has in my recovery. She was referring to the amount of time and energy I spend thinking about whether or not I have an eating disorder and whether or not I want to "buy into" treatment - I am essentially constantly debating the process of recovery and evaluating how deeply I want to dive into all of this.

So, what good is the debate? What is it doing for me - what purpose does it serve? After yet another afternoon of debating my presence in the Kaiser eating disorder treatment program, I decided the time was ripe to pick at this question a little bit, and see what raw bone lays underneath.

Why do I "stay in the debate?" I stay here because I am convinced, still, that I do not fully qualify as eating disordered, that I am not a "good enough" anorexic to need treatment. I don't feel skinny enough or sick enough. I don't feel like I need to follow a recovery meal plan because I'm not truly eating disordered.

I stay in the debate because it allows me to waddle in the pool of treatment without being fully submerged in the water. While I debate whether or not to dive in, I avoid actually being in the water at all, and I can stay timidly on dry land. Rather than spending my energy eating, using DBT skills, or working through my disease, I argue both sides of an interminable argument. I don't actually have to do anything, and I can procrastinate treatment in an underhanded way.

But it's not that simple. I am locked in this argument and refusing to surrender to either side - even though I realize that the debate itself serves the eating disorder's control in my life. The debate feels important and symbolic because I am trying to exert independence in my life again - and isn't blind surrender of control (even to the wise Kaiser ED team) just moving my servitude from one master to another? When does this process become MINE? When do I get to make my own decisions, eat in a way that feels good to me? Without anorexia OR a team of doctors telling me what to do? When will I be able to trust my body and my instincts again? When will I get to declare that my life is MINE again, with all of the idiosyncratic patterns and eating habits that develop when a person is living fully?

I want to get better, and I know that I need to let go of control. But I want to get better in MY way. Even as I write this, I realize that my desire to do things in MY way is maladaptive - yet another tool of the eating disorder. But ED treatment is so uncomfortable, and I am so tired of being "sick." I spent an hour today on the phone with my family members justifying stopping treatment altogether - my argument was that I was tired of seeing myself as "sick" and tired of my eating disorder being the center of my life. I am ready for fullness; I want to build up other parts of my life and accentuate other neuroses and wisdom. I want to stay in my comfortable "yoga/meditation/reading" zone and push myself in ways that feel safe and non-threatening. I don't want to push at ED anymore.

I know. I know. This is exactly why I SHOULD be going to treatment. I have a poster on my wall about the "dignity of daring" by Pema Chodron. Essentially it says that true friends are those who push us past what is comfortable, the people who shove us off of familiar rafts to unfamiliar shores. Perhaps staying in treatment - for me right now - is the highest spiritual discipline. It doesn't look like anything I expect of spiritual growth - it's not yoga or meditation and it certainly involves very few moments of enlightened peace. Instead it feels like a fucking battle every second of the day; I just want a flippin' break. Can't I just stay on my yoga mat, happily chanting with my eyes shut and dreaming of lavender? Isn't that the REAL way to spiritual enlightenment?

WHY DOES MY LESSON HAVE TO SUCK SO BADLY?
And when can I stop? I want control over everything; the fact that recovery presents such a threat to my independence and autonomy is probably exactly why I need it. Damn it, Pema Chodron. Maybe ED treatment is the friend shoving me off of my little brown raft, pulling my little pink heart towards an unfamiliar shore.

Ahk. When I started writing this entry twenty minutes ago, I was set on the idea of quitting formal ED treatment. Blast. What an annoying insight. I guess I'll return again and hesitantly put another questioning toe in the water, and stay in the debate some more. Woof.