Today, I Will Not Throw Up

Today, I will not throw up.

It sounds easy - it's something that I've managed to accomplish before - in fact, just two weeks ago I went five or six days in a row without throwing up. But this week has been difficult; the eating disorder has me in its claws and I haven't been able to make it through lunch without purging for the past six days. And once the first purge happens, I spend the rest of the day planning to starve, avoiding meals, and purging some more. I've been throwing up several times a day, and my heart and body are tired.

I want to stop, but it's like trying to halt a fast-moving train. Now that I'm purging again, it seems like a terrible addiction that I can't stop... the train is rushing forward and I can't imagine standing in front of it and calling a halt to the entire business.

What I started writing about this morning is my goal to be "sober" for one full month - something far off in the future that seems like, for right now, an unattainable dream. My cousin is getting married at the end of May; it seems as good a hallmark as any to be my mark of a month of sobriety. I want desperately to have a full month of sobriety under my belt - what a better way to disarm ED and relearn the eating and living process?!

In the past three years, the longest that I've gone without purging was ten days - over this past Christmas. Second to that, I had a full sober week two years ago, but faltered on day eight.

And for this morning, thinking about not purging for a week seems like an impossibility. In the throws of this disease, I feel trapped in the game of purging several times a day, and the idea of even keeping my breakfast this morning down feels like a crazy battle. I keep thinking to myself, I WANT a month of sobriety... I need to stop this... but because the goal of a "month" is so big, I get lost in it. Instead of spending my energy fighting in THIS moment, I spend my time planning and hoping that I'll be able to accomplish my goal.

So, I'm releasing myself from the goal of "one month, no purging." Instead, my goal for today is simple - and itself seems daunting. Today, I will not throw up. Not even "today," but RIGHT NOW. I will not throw up. I will stop the fucking train, not in some superhuman way, but with my blood and sweat and tears. I'm stopping the train - not in the name of some abstract sobriety goal, but in the name of THIS MOMENT. I will not throw up right now. The mantra is simple: Today, I will not throw up. Today, I will not throw up. Today, I will not throw up.

And the train will still be itching to move, but hopefully it won't be racing forward unquestioned any longer. And I can deal with the train and its itch to move tomorrow. ONE DAY AT A TIME, ONE MEAL AT A TIME, ONE MOMENT AT A TIME. Instead of fixating on the goal of stopping this behavior for some set period of time, I am going to try and drop into the present and focus on the one thing that is happening NOW. Today, I will not throw up.

I will eat three meals today, and drink an Ensure. I will eat some Hot Tamales when I feel like it and try desperately to release the criticism that comes with eating any kind of food these days. I won't ignore the voice in my head; I'll listen to it and validate its presence. I can't pretend it's not there - but I can acknowledge it and move on, without action or judgment.

So for today, I will not throw up. Let tomorrow bring what it will. For today, I will focus on the present moment and the fighting I need to do in order to sit through the discomfort. Today, I will not throw up. Today, I will pray for help, and move one minute to the next releasing myself from the obligation to go along with the speeding train.

I will not throw up today. Please help me. I will not throw up today. It seems impossible; but moment to moment, I will fight and try to throw a wrench in my eating disorder's wicked logic.

Today, I will not throw up.